


Snoke's Completely Accurate Guide to Wooing Your Rhombus

by greenikat89



Series: Snoke's Completely Accurate Guides [3]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alpha and Rhombus, Awkward Romance, Bad Flirting, Children, Children of Characters, Darth Tantrum and his Evil Space Ginger, Humor, M/M, Minor Violence, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Wookies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-06-11 11:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15314298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenikat89/pseuds/greenikat89
Summary: Kylo Ren almost has the perfect family.  He has his four beloved Wookie children: Vader One, Vader Two, Vader Three, and Crunchy.  He has his rhombus, Hux, a perfect mate to his alpha.  However, Kylo doesn't have the perfect relationship with his stubborn rhombus.  Hux still acts as the maddening, snarky General and reluctant co-parent  of their children instead of the true alpha/rhombus relationship Kylo KNOWS they could have.So Kylo turns to Snoke for help because his master is wise in all things when it comes to wooing.  Hux will become his proper rhombus and then, finally, they shall be the perfect family.  The plan is foolproof.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all. This crack won't leave me alone. This story is part 3 of a series, so I would recommend you read the other two first.

“I don’t understand Hux _at all,_ ” Ren exploded as if he’d been holding those words in all day.  He prowled around in one of the small officer’s room like a caged animal.  “Things are going so _well_ with our children, and Hux has taken Crunchy under his wing.  Yet Hux still avoids me when he can.”

 

The Knight spun on his heel and slammed his fist into a wall hard enough to leave a dent.  “WHY? I have been an _excellent_ alpha.  Do I not take care of the children?  And…and do I not help them get ready so we can all have family meals together?  Have I not given Hux the rhombus space he needs? Have I not protected him time and time again?”

 

He paced in tight circles from one side of the room to another, his anger was bubbling beneath the surface hot and potent.  “It is _destiny._ Supreme Leader has given his blessing that Hux and I are _meant_ to be together.  So why hasn’t it happened?”  He screamed in frustration and punched the wall in quick succession.  “Why? Why? Why? _Why? Why_?”

 

Ren bent over gripped his hair in rage before letting out another guttural roar.   **“** **WHY WON’T HE ACCEPT ME!?”**  A whole wall of screens crackled and sparked in an explosion of blue and red pulsing static.    

 

Stifled, shallow breathing could be heard in the corner of the room.  “L-Lord Ren, I really d-don’t think I’m qua…qualified to answer that,” Mitaka stammered out.  He curled up into a tighter ball in his chair under the weight of Ren’s heavy look. “B-but um, maybe d-don’t be so rude to him?”

 

Ren froze in thought, eyes fixed on some distant point, before he abruptly stood up. “You’re absolutely right.”

 

“I..I am?”  Mitaka’s hands gripped his mug of caf in an effort to ground himself from Ren’s dizzying change of emotions.  

 

“I must woo him.”

 

Confused horror fizzled up the lieutenant’s spine.  “Th-that’s not um…I d-didn’t-” he sputtered. “I said-”

 

“Yes,” Kylo continued on as if he hadn’t heard Mitaka at all.  “I need to find Snoke.” He smoothed his hair back into place with a thoughtful expression on his face.  On his way out he patted Lieutenant Mitaka a little too roughly on his head. “This has been a very helpful session.  Until next time.”

 

He ignored Mitaka’s sob of obvious joy at being helpful as he strode down the long corridors towards Snoke’s chambers.  Talking with Snoke wasn’t hard to do now that his master had his own personal section on The Finalizer in order to have better family bonding time.  It took Ren no time at all to make his way through the multitudes of lifts and hallways to get to the massive golden doors of Snoke’s chambers. Kylo didn’t even spare the Elite Praetorian Guards a passing thought as he burst into the room.

 

“Master, I am in need of your wisdom,” he pleaded and stomped over to throw himself down on one of Snoke’s many gold gilded lounge chairs that were artfully arranged around the grand chamber.  “I’m not sure how to woo a rhombus to make Hux mine completely.”

 

Snoke, unphased by one of Kylo’s dramatic entrances, nodded sagely from his position on the throne.  “Wooing a rhombus is hard work, my child, but well worth the effort to groom them for your gilded cage.”  

 

Ren toyed with one of the red throw pillows piled up around him.  “What should I do?” he muttered moodily. “Everything I’ve tried has pushed Hux away from me.”

 

“I shall help you.”  Snoke pressed a button on his throne and one of the panels on the armrest slid back.  He rummaged around muttering under his breath looking for something before he pulled out a slim, worn out journal of some sort.  “Take this,” he said while floating over the book.

 

Kylo took it reverently in his hands.  “What is it, master?” It looked old and had actual real paper pages.  The cover had a shirtless, muscular man - not nearly as muscular as himself of course -  with flowing dark hair clutching a pale maiden with brilliant green eyes. Was this a sacred text?  

 

Snoke settled back in his throne.  “This book has been passed down through my bloodline, carefully preserved for hundreds of years with additional annotations made throughout.  In it you shall find the secrets of rhombus taming.”

 

“The Beginner’s Guide to Crossing the Line: A Recipe for Temptation,” the Knight read out loud. His fingers flexed around the worn edges.  This was a great honor. He clutched the book to his chest. “I won’t disappoint you, master,” he said in a voice thick with emotion.

 

Snoke affably waved a hand in the air.  “Of course, my apprentice, anything to help build the bonds of a strong First Order family.”  He reached back into the hidden storage space of his throne and pulled out some black yarn and durasteel knitting needles.  “Now if you excuse me, I have some important business to conduct.”

 

Kylo hastily bid a farewell as he hurried to his room.  He needed to study this text before putting his plan into action.  His mind whirled with possibilities of Hux throwing himself at his feet.  Of Hux sobbing with joy, tears shimmering in wide green eyes. Of Hux finally agreeing to partake in the penis fencing ritual so they could become a true alpha and rhombus couple.

 

When he arrived to their shared quarters, he was thankful that it were empty for once.  As much as Kylo adored his family, he also needed some time alone. He slid open a hidden panel to reveal a chilled cubbyhole and pulled down his secret stash of Wookie-ookies and Bantha milk before laying out on the bed.  His fingers reverently brushed across the cover again before flipping it open to start reading.

 

It became quickly apparent to him that this book wasn’t an instruction manual so much as a book of lore to learn from.  It had what was obviously the hero chasing after the maiden who claimed she didn’t want to be anywhere near the hero. Set on some distant water filled planet, there were mentions of ships and kidnapping and arguments between the two people that was not unlike himself and Hux.  

 

There was also a wealth of tightly compact notes written in the margins stating things like _make sure the rope is tighter so they can’t get away: perhaps an electro collar and energy-binder_ and _blow up the planet so your intended has nothing to go home to._ All of this was very practical advice.

 

Kylo carefully marked his place before setting the manual aside.  It was clear that the first step was to talk to someone close to Hux that was considered a Bosom Buddy according to the lore.  Once he knew what Hux liked he could start the wooing seductions.

 

The Knight’s footsteps easily carried him out his door and down the hall towards the private gymnasium facilities for officers.  There was really only one person on this ship eligible for that position.

 

“Phasma!” he called out above the thumming, heavy music she liked working out to.  He spared a small smile for Vader One and Two who were doing their own modified workouts near the captain in matching workout gear.  He made a mental note to thank his master for their black and red First Order sweatbands. His master’s knitting had greatly improved; the sweatbands were only a little lumpy.

 

“Phasma!” he said again when it looked like she hadn’t heard him.  “I need to speak with you.” He used the Force to turn down the music coming from the speakers so he wasn’t shouting above the noise.

 

She glanced up from her bicep curls, half distracted with keeping an eye on the children.  “And?” She clicked her tongue and gestured to her weights. “See? Use proper form like me.”

 

Kylo felt a swell of irritation at being ignored.  “It’s about Hux.”

 

“What about Hux?”  Phasma nodded in approval when Vader Two mirrored the workout with a determined set to her small mouth.  “He’s on the bridge if you need him.”

 

The sacred text made note that the hero, pursuing his prey,  should be calm and collected at all time. This wasn’t the place to throw Phasma’s wretched weights across the room.  He was an excellent alpha setting a positive role model for his children. “I want to know what he likes,” he ground out in a measured tone.    

 

Phamsa slowed down in the middle of one of her reps.  “I’m sorry, why are you asking me this?”

 

Kylo scowled, body tight with tension.  “Because you’re his Bosom Buddy!” he burst out.

 

This time Phasma actually stopped lifting to look at him properly.  “Hux actually said that?”

 

“Well, I’ve only ever seen Hux talk to you when he’s not with me,” he muttered with acute embarrassment at the quizzical look Phasma was giving him.  “I’ve seen the both of you have your _gossip_ sessions.”  And never did they invite him to partake in it.

 

Phasma huffed in amusement and grabbed her towel from the rack nearby.  “Even if I was ‘Bosom Buddies’ with Hux, it’s not like I know what he likes.”  She wiped the sweat from her brow with a small smile on her face when both Wookies copied her actions.  “Why don’t you ask him yourself?”

 

This was useless.  Phasma was useless.  When he finally became Hux’s proper Alpha he would demand Hux not be Bosom Buddies anymore with Phasma.  She was a terrible influence on the children and he could lift way more weight than she could anyway.

  
“I’m needed elsewhere,” Ren said stiffly and spun around on his heel.  He obviously needed to study the sacred texts more. He _would_ become the Alpha Hux didn’t know he needed.  It was just a matter of time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo tries so hard.

Romance. It seemed to be a common theme in this book of lore.  Kylo frowned in thought. He reluctantly admitted to himself that he didn’t know much about romance. His...parents… were never the sort to declare their love from what he could remember. A lot of it was tense silences and Han going on a lot of trips for long periods of time.

 

He carefully flipped through the pages of the sacred text again to review a passage that had caught his eye:

 

_“Oh darling, let me hold you closely to my breast so that you can feel my heartbeat cry out my love for you,”  Lord Raoul declared with soulful dark eyes. He reached out one manly, muscular arm to loop around Avelina’s lithe waist and drew the maiden close._

 

_“Unhand me!” she demanded. She beat upon his broad chest, her delicate hands fluttering like two white doves in an exotic mating ritual. “How dare you come unannounced to my bedchambers, you imbecile!”_

 

_Her emerald green eyes crackled with hidden fire that matched the depths of his passionate love for her.  “Hush, my love,” he crooned in a voice as soothing as the waves lapping against the Kingdom of Leif’s shoreline. He pressed her head against his well defined chest with his strong fingers wound in the deep reddish embers of her silken hair. “No need to play coy when it is just us two with only the moon overhead keeping watch.”_

 

_“And as long as there’s a moon in the sky, I will not love you,” she declared and bit down on the fingers that had brushed too close to her full rose petal lips. She roughly shoved him away. “Go back to your kingdom and leave me be in peace!” she tossed over her shoulder before slamming her inner doors of her chambers shut._

 

_Lord Raoul sighed and gazed up at the night sky through the opened window he’d climbed through. “The sweetest victories are oft those that are hard won,” he murmured, his fingers thoughtfully toying with the stem of a rose. It was one of many he had ordered strewn around her room. “I will tame her and she will be mine.”_

 

Clearly this was some sort of riddle. He and Hux often argued like these two characters that was obviously born out of their intense passion for one another. All Kylo needed to do was figure out what his moon was that prevented Hux from being his proper rhombus.

 

However, the romance would have to wait for later.  He could sense Hux’s sharp distress through their bond.  Kylo frowned and carefully tucked the sacred text away. Hux should be in a boring officer’s meeting right now with more trade negotiations.  Generally speaking, Hux thrived in those situations of order and control.

 

Kylo donned his helmet before sweeping out his chamber doors and down the halls towards the meeting room Hux was in. He could hear Hux’s pointed tone through the doors which set Kylo’s teeth on edge.  Someone was making his rhombus unhappy.

 

Hux didn’t even spare him a glance when he strode into the room (Kylo was only a little insulted about that).  “Lady Ketanna, need I remind you that it was your court who decided to hold this meeting with the First Order for these trade negotiations?”

 

Hux’s hands were carefully folded behind his back in the perfect imagine of poise at the head of the long meeting table, but Kylo could see how tightly Hux’s hands were locked together in anger.

 

The Codru-Ji clan leader on the screen looked impassive.  Her four arms were lightly folded in front of her with one hand tapping on her elbow.  “And need I remind you, General Hux, that this was to be a meeting of possible negotiations, not something already set and decided upon.”  Her tone was just on this side of respectful.

 

Kylo’s eyes narrowed into slits of anger.  How dare she take that tone with his rhombus.   _Do you want me to kill her?_ he projected at Hux.  

 

 _No,_ came the whip crack retort.  “Then since we’ve both reminded each other of our positions, why don’t we get down to the business at hand,” Hux said smoothly.  “I believe that your planet and the First Order have potential for an allyship.” He pulled up some hologram charts with his datapad.

 

Kylo tuned out the rest of the negotiations.  He didn’t really care for the finer details of things, and Hux had everything under control.  He was grateful that his helmet kept his expression from view, so he was free to let his mind drift onto other things.  Like the trim waist hidden under Hux’s greatcoat, or the flash of pale wrists beneath his leather gloves whenever Hux’s hands moved.  Kylo wasn’t sure if they fluttered like two delicate doves in an exotic mating ritual, but whatever Hux’s hands were doing was sending signals straight to Kylo’s groin.  

 

The meeting came to an abrupt end when Hux cut the holofeed connection with a curt goodbye.  “Everyone is dismissed,” he barked out to his officers, who were quick to flee the room with murmurs of approval.  Hux stabbed his fingers through his hair, free to show his frustration now that the room was empty.

 

Kylo’s saber lightly vibrated against his side.  He was always better at solving problems through violence instead of words.  “What’s wrong?” He didn’t like an angry Hux unless he was the one to cause that fire to snap in… what did the lore call it?... deep emerald eyes.    

 

Hux made a disgusted sound.  “The Codru-Ji clan is being difficult.  The Supreme Leader wants them to align with us, for who knows what reason, however their race is naturally suspicious and extremely xenophobic.”  The General pressed his mouth into a thin slash of a line in thought before exhaling. “They have a moon which is incredibly valuable to the First Order.”

 

A moon.  Kylo’s mind whirled with possibilities.  Was this a sign? “So what are you going to do?”

 

Hux looked at Kylo with vague suspicion as if Kylo asking detail-oriented questions was unusual.  (Which it _wasn’t_ , Kylo just preferred to pluck the information he needed out of people’s minds instead of asking for it.  However, Hux made it very clear how he felt about Kylo reading his mind.) “Find another way to gain leverage to get what we want,” Hux said eventually.

 

Kylo nodded.  “I’ll leave you to it.  I have to go...check on the children.”  Which was partially true. Snoke was babysitting the children today and teaching them how to knit for the Dark side, which Kylo thought was a very noble cause.  Hux had a different opinion but Kylo had complete faith in his master about what was best for child rearing. Snoke practically raised him, and Kylo thought he turned out pretty okay.

 

He could feel the faint buzz of Hux’s suspicious curiosity in the back of his mind, but Kylo ignored it.  He knew what he had to do and knew the person to call upon to get the job done. On the way to the bridge he entered in a couple missives on his datapad that needed to be carried out promptly.  A plan was forming already.

 

“Lieutenant Mitaka,” Kylo called out as soon as the doors to the bridge slid open, “I need you to blow up the moon.”  Mitaka snapped to attention with a wide eyed stare of confusion. “The Codru-Ji moon,” he said in case the Lieutenant needed some clarification.  Hux was always complaining that Kylo needed to be nicer towards the officers. Kylo could be nice.  He was being nice right now.

 

“L-lord Ren,” the other man stuttered out.  “That’s n-not rea...really in the orders from above.”

 

Something cold and dark lashed around inside of Kylo.  “Am I not your superior officer?” he asked in the flat monotone of his voice modulator.  It was deathly quiet on the bridge.

 

“Yes, I-I know but,” Mitaka cut off in a choked sound, hands scrabbling for his throat as he was dragged across the floor through the power of the Force.

 

The metal under Kylo’s feet were faintly rippling and pulsing with metallic groans. “And did I not give you a direct order?”  He brought up the Lieutenant to stare directly into the man's eyes. “Blow up. The moon. Now.”  He released the Lieutenant who barely gained his feet.  

 

“As you wish, Lord Ren,” Mitaka wheezed and gestured towards the command panel.

 

Kylo watched with satisfaction as all firepower was pointed towards the distant speck of Codru-Ji’s moon.  With the destruction of the moon, Hux’s negotiations would go better and there would be no more barrier to their true alpha and rhombs bond.  The sacred text could not be wrong.

 

He barely stayed to watch the destruction of the moon (in all honesty, it wasn’t that big of an explosion compared to the other planets they had blown up in the past).  He needed to hurry back to their shared quarters for the second phase of the romance which should have been set up by the droids by now.

 

 _WHERE IN THE_ **_KARK_ ** _ARE YOU, REN?_ Hux’s bellow ripped through their mental link, and Kylo took a second to appreciate the healthy set of lungs on his rhombus.  Hux would sound lovely in the throes of passion when they finally made it to the breeding swamps.

 

 _I’m in our chambers,_ he sent back.  The room was set up the way he wanted it to be, and he only had a couple minutes to change clothing before Hux stormed in with the white hot intensity of an exploding star.  He carefully set his helmet aside, brushed his fingers through his hair for that recklessly tousled look recommended in the sacred text, and then shed some of his clothes before artfully arranging himself on the bed.

 

Not a moment too soon as the doors to their chambers slid open and Hux stomped in with his blaster dead center at Kylo’s chest.  “YOU. BLEW. UP. THEIR. MOON!” he yelled.

 

Kylo draped one hand across his raised leg, making sure to flex his arm just so to bring out the muscle definition.  “It was a calculated tactical plan.” Should he subtly clench his abs?  He  _had_ been paying extra attention to his six-pack during his routine workouts.

 

Hux’s face flushed nearly as red as his hair.  “A tactical- you,” he broke off in a guttural growl and shot at Kylo.

 

The Knight thoughtlessly deflected the blaster shot to the side where it harmlessly dissolved in a shower of sparks against the wall next to another suspicious scorch mark.  “Hux, why don’t you, hey!” He deflected another blaster shot. “Hux, come to bed and I can tell you about my plan.” He plucked the blaster out of Hux’s hand and drifted it over towards the nightstand.

 

Hux’s hands were out in front of him curled into claws.  “I am going to _kill you,_ ” he snarled and stalked towards the bed.  “I don’t _care_ what the Supreme Leader says about needing you.”

 

Kylo perked up at that.  “My master really said that?  What else did he-”

 

“Shut up!” Hux shouted over Ren.  “You are _nothing_ but a blight upon my life that I have been _cursed_ with since-” Whatever Hux was about to say was cut off in a high pitched, delicate sneeze.  “What?” he sneezed again.

 

Kylo was instantly charmed.  Hux’s eyes were tearing up as he looked around the room filled with all the exotic flowers the droids could find on such short notice.  Kylo felt a thrum of satisfied pleasure go through him. His plan of seduction was working.

 

Hux looked momentarily distracted as he sneezed again into the crook of his arm.  “ _Why_ are there _kriffing flowers_ everywhere?” he demanded as if noticing them for the first time.  He sneezed three times in a row.

 

Kylo grinned in satisfaction and twirled some petals closer to Hux with the use of the Force.  “Do you like them? No need to be embarrassed by you overcome with emotions.” He pitched his voice lower just like he had practiced in the bathroom mirror.  “It’s just us two here, without even the moon overhead keeping watch.”

 

Hux batted away the petals and took a couple steps back towards the doorway.  “I’m _allergic_ you colossal imbecile.”

 

“Allergic?”  A thread of panic crept into Kylo’s voice.   The sacred texts hadn’t said anything about allergies.  Kylo looked stricken. Was Hux going to die? He couldn’t be a single father.  “Are you okay? What do you need? Is this rhombus related? What can I do?” He got up from the bed to move towards Hux.

 

“You stay away from me,” Hux snapped and stepped out the door.  “ _I'm_ going to med bay.”  He sneezed again. “ _You’re_ going to explain to Snoke why we haven’t secured the negotiation agreements from the Codru-Ji due to your reckless  moon explosion.”

 

The door slammed shut in Kylo’s face.  The Knight sighed. He couldn’t gaze up at the night sky because there were no windows in their quarters, but he did look dejectedly up at the ceiling.  “The sweetest victories are oft those that are hard won,” he quoted softly from his book of lore. So this seduction plan didn’t work. That was okay.   

 

He would go to Snoke for advice.

 

He would devise a new plan.

 

He would win Hux’s delicate rhombus heart.  

 

Hux couldn’t stay mad at him forever.  What was a little moon explosion in the name of star-crossed love?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think two more chapters should do it for this fluff/crack piece.

It turned out blowing up the moon was incredibly beneficial to the First Order.  Kylo was pleased with this. Hux was not. It made family breakfast a tense, awkward affair that reminded Kylo way too much of his childhood.  It was something he had never wished for his children to experience.

 

“Hux, are you mad at me?”  He’d forgone his helmet today so he could catch Hux’s eyes and make the other man look at him.  It hadn’t worked so far.

 

The redhead lightly dabbed at his mouth with his napkin.  “No,” he said evenly and deftly cut up Vader Two’s panna cakes into bite sized pieces.

 

Kylo hunched his shoulders forward.  “Are you sure? Because you sound like you’re mad at me.”  Under the table, his fingers worried a hole in his cape.

 

Hux didn’t spare him a glance.  “Why would I be mad at someone who undermines my authority on a near constant  basis?” He carefully laid his silverware down across his plate before getting up.  “Come children, you have your lessons with me today.”

 

The Wookies all bid farewell to Kylo with hugs and kisses before following their rhombus out of the mess hall.  Kylo sighed and listlessly pushed around his half-eaten panna cakes. Things weren’t going the way he wanted them to, and he was having trouble deciphering the sacred text of lore.  It almost sounded like the female character hated the male character, but that couldn’t be right. This was a guide for wooing.

 

“What was that?” Phamsa scoffed from her end of the table.

 

Kylo scowled and sat up straight.  He had forgotten Phamsa occasionally ate family breakfast with them.  “What was what?”

 

She waved her fork around between Kylo and the door.  “Aren’t you Kylo Ren, the Master of the Knights of Ren?”

 

“Yes,” he ground out, unsure of where she was going with this.  He still didn’t have a handle on Phamsa, and the uncertainty made him agitated around her.  It didn’t help that she was Hux’s Bosom Buddy (even if she claimed she wasn’t).

 

“Then why aren’t you acting like it?”  She raised her eyebrows at him and took another sip.  “Do you think Hux would want such a weak, demure man as his mate?”

 

Kylo’s expression twisted up into a snarl.  “I am not _weak_!” he shouted at her.

 

Phamsa sipped her caf and seemed unconcerned with the way the metal table rippled in response to Kylo’s mood.  The same could not be said for the Stormtroopers in the immediate area who quietly, but quickly, got up and left the premises.

 

“Maybe you should get a new name,” she continued on placidly as if she hadn’t heard his outburst.  She leveled him a truly awful smirk under her heavy-lidded gaze. “Maybe I’ll tell Hux your new name should be Crylo Ren.”

 

Burning, furious rage ripped through his body like electricity.  “ **I AM NOT WEAK!”**  He grabbed onto the edge of the long metal table, ripped it up from the floor as if it was nothing more than wet clay, and hurled it across the entire length of the mess hall.    

 

The rest of the Stormtroopers in the mess hall scattered and ran towards the exit.

 

Phasma chuckled.  Kylo screamed. His lightsaber was in his hand in an instant, swinging around at anything in his path.  He wasn’t weak. He _wasn’t_.  His mind was filled with buzzing static, but he had enough presence of mind not to seriously hurt Phasma as he stormed out the room.

 

A couple hours later (and many, many destroyed rooms) made Kylo feel a bit better.  He was still angry at Phasma, but maybe she did have a point. Hux was a vicious, demanding aggressive man and he deserved someone who could give him that in return.  Kylo knew he was more than enough for Hux, and powerful enough, and so maybe he should be more aggressive in his wooing. (Sexually aggressive?) Obviously then Hux would respond to him.

 

He had a new plan.  A better plan. It was also very fortunate that he felt Hux’s presence near (Hux’s mental presence was always in the back of his mind) right before he heard the familiar weight of Hux’s gait.  Kylo would know the sound of Hux’s footsteps anywhere.

 

“You.”  Hux’s bright hair shone like a star under the lights as he bore down on Kylo.  “Why am I getting increasingly frequent reports from Lieutenant Mitaka and the rest of the crew that you’ve been systematically destroying my ship?” he hissed furiously.  “I had to leave the children with Snoke in order to deal with whatever this is.”

 

Kylo smiled lazily and swept his sweaty hair back from his forehead in a very debonair way.  “It was just some minor destruction,” he shrugged off. Hux was looking at him mad enough to spit fire, which was a welcome relief from the cold wall of ice that morning.  

 

Hux sputtered.  “ _Minor_ destruction?  Minor! Do you know how many credits that’s going to take to _fix_?”  He was standing toe to toe with Kylo nearly vibrating with fury.  “ _What_ in the _stars_ possessed you to-”

 

Kylo kissed Hux.

 

Hux slapped Kylo.

 

“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!?”  Hux’s face looked like it didn’t know whether to settle into murderous outrage or affronted sensibilities.  It ended up being an unflattering mixture of both as he started going into a full blown tirade.

 

Kylo rubbed his cheek out of reflex more than anything else.  The kiss hadn’t exactly gone to plan. It was less suave, take-charge romantic like he’d envisioned and more like he had just violently punched Hux in the mouth with his mouth.  Was that blood he tasted? Also, he now had a raging erection pressing against his trousers. That was an unexpected development and something Kylo would have to examine at a later date.

 

Time to regroup.

 

“I have to go,” he said, cutting off Hux in what was becoming a very impressive rant.  Kylo turned on his heel and quickly walked stiff-backed down the hallway with Hux hurling angry insults at his back.

 

Hux was no less mad at him towards the end of Gamma shift, even if none of the other officers knew their General was fuming.  Kylo was at another tedious officer’s meeting that he normally wouldn’t have bothered to show up to. However, Hux always attended the weekly supplies meetings which meant Kylo was now there sitting across the table from his incredibly angry rhombus.

 

Kylo casually stretched out  his legs under the table, doing his very best not to seem like he was up to something.  His foot tapped tapped against Hux’s. The foot moved. Kylo moved with it. The foot hesitated as if unsure to move backward some more before it settled. Maybe Hux wasn’t that mad after all.

 

He grinned in open satisfaction, free to do so under the privacy of his helmet, as he rubbed against Hux’s ankle.  The book of lore had a passage about aggressive footwork (there was a notation in cramped handwriting that said ‘cut off the feet to prevent escape’ but that seemed a little too aggressive for him).  His foot slid up higher, over the glossy leather of Hux’s boots and towards his intended goal.

 

Lieutenant Mitaka squeaked and shot up out of his chair.  

 

“Do you object to the allocation of more funds towards artillery, Lieutenant Mitaka?” Colonel Datoo asked gruffly.

 

Mitaka dabbed at the sweat on his brow.  “I ah…” His eyes strayed towards Kylo and then back towards Datoo.  “No, Sir,” he mumbled and hurriedly sat down.

 

Kylo was the picture of unassuming innocence as he adjusted his trajectory.  He really should have known Hux wouldn’t have played coy with him. His foot tapped against Hux’s in a caress.

 

He made a startled sound when Hux viciously kicked him in the shin.

 

The hologram feed of numbers in the background disappeared as Colonel Datoo paused in his presentation.  “Lord Ren,” he said with the heavy air of a man who didn’t like being interrupted but knew he needed to at least appear like it didn’t bother him, “did you also have an objection towards the allocation of the First Order’s funds?”

 

Kylo didn’t even bother with a response as he got up and left the meeting room.

 

The rest of his seduction techniques throughout the week faired about as well as the others.  Kylo tried grabbing Hux for a (better) passionate kiss and was tossed over Hux’s shoulder. (The only reason the General was able to do that was because Kylo hadn’t expected Hux to execute a self-defense move.)  Any sort of attempt at casual hand holding was met with a quick slap away if Hux couldn’t immediately vacate the area. Even trying to sweep Hux off his feet to carry him towards the bedroom had almost ended with a blaster shot to Kylo’s chest.

 

It was not at all going the way he’d planned it, and Kylo was having some serious doubts about the book of lore.  He slumped over his second favorite table in the mess hall (the first was still crumpled up in one corner of the room) with the strongest caf that could be made.   

 

“What do you want?” he muttered when he saw Phamsa come into view.  The burning embers of his hatred towards her had cooled in the face of his dejection.

 

“I said be aggressive, not traumatize him,” she said and dropped her tray down on the table across from Kylo.  “Hux thinks you’re trying to fight him.”

 

That did explain why Hux slept with his blaster by his side every night.  “Why is this any business of yours?”

 

She made a sound of derision and took a bite from her meal brick.  “It becomes my business when I have to hear Hux ranting about you and the latest stress you’ve put on him.  It’s bad for the cohesion of my team to have a high strung General because of his fumbling alpha.”

 

Kylo’s teeth squeaked together.  He was not going to stab Phasma through the chest. Today.  “I see.”

 

“Just try being,” she waved her hand around, “less you.”  Her eyes slid over him in an appraising look that prickled at Kylo’s skin.  “Surprise Hux, but in a good way. He could use a good companion.”

 

Phamsa was typically a woman of few words so to her this was equivalent to one of Hux’s speeches.  It didn’t make Kylo feel any more charitable towards Phasma, but it did give him something to think about.  A companion. He wondered if Hux liked animals.


	4. Chapter 4

Most of Kylo’s philosophy in life boiled down to this: if a dead ancestor didn’t appear in the sky to stop him, then obviously whatever decision he was making couldn’t be that bad.  This mindset had gotten him amazingly far in life, and he wasn’t about to stop now.

 

Which was why he was docking back in the Finalizer tired and sweaty but quietly triumphant with the success of the new mission Snoke had given him. It was a mission to find Hux the perfect companion and, unlike the whole map thing, this was something he had finally accomplished successfully.

 

He ignored the hissing as he picked up a small black container by its handle and strode off the ship towards his master’s chambers with fierce pride swelling in his chest.  Snoke was going to be pleased, which meant Hux was going to be pleased, which meant Kylo was going to be pleased and everything would be perfect. The Praetorian guards didn’t seem phased by now when Kylo threw open the ornate doors and strode into Snoke’s throne room with a dramatic swirl of black cape and hissing animal.

 

The Supreme Leader looked up over the rim of his half-moon glasses.  “Ah, I see your journey was a successful one, my child.” His weathered hands didn’t stop the rhythmic click-clacking of needles for the new project he was working on.  

 

Kylo flushed with satisfaction that settled deep in his gut like a warm weight.  “It was, Supreme Leader.” He gave a slight bow before heading over to his usual lounging chair.  “Droid T4-B89 extends his gratitude, and that he is in your debt.” Snoke’s directions on obtaining the animal were incredibly helpful.  His master knew a guy, who knew a guy, who knew a guy’s mother, who knew a guy, who knew a droid who specialized in procuring and selling exotic animals.

 

The cage hissed again and Kylo glanced down by his feet to make sure the animal was still secured.  There was a cartoon logo of the animal dealer stamped on either side with arched words over it that said: SUBMIT TO YOUR ETERNAL HOME AND REJOICE.  Kylo thought the glitter hearts for O’s were a nice touch. 

 

“Would you like to see her?”  It had taken a couple sedatives and creative use of the Force to get her in the cage.  “Her name is Millicent, according to the droid, and she’s a very rare feline from this small planet called Earth.”  A furry orange arm jabbed out between the bars with claws extended to furiously swipe at the air.

 

Snoke briefly paused in his work to glance at the cage before starting on his next row.  “Why don’t you show your Rhombus?” he said smoothly. “I’m sure it would be a much appreciated surprise.”

 

Kylo nodded thoughtfully; his master was indeed wise in all things.  “I’ll prepare the surprise now.” Hux should be done with his shift soon, and the General usually retired to their quarters shortly thereafter for a quick nap.  That gave Kylo enough time to do what he needed to do. “Until next time, Supreme Leader.”

 

He picked up the cage via the Force and floated it behind him while he rushed down the corridors.  “Millicent, you’ll love Hux,” he chatted conversationally once they were in his private chambers. “You’re both redheads, you both have that narrow green-eyed stare, and you both have that same dominating personality.”  He settled the cage on the edge of the bed so he could pull out some supplies from a hidden wall panel. 

 

The book of lore was very specific about what to give your intended, and it included a lot of jewelry and satin bows.  Kylo didn’t think Hux would appreciate jewelry, but maybe the General wouldn’t mind Millicent's ornate collar. He pulled out the gem studded collar and held it up to the light.  The green of the gems matched Hux’s eyes, if Kylo did say so himself. 

 

The cat hissed at him when he approached the bed with the unbuckled collar in one hand.  “Now you will listen to me,” he said firmly over the increased hissing. “You will behave and you  _ will  _ sit nicely while you’re groomed and I put Hux’s present on you.”  

 

Millicent’s back arched up as high as it could in her cage, sharp like a crescent moon, and Kylo narrowed his eyes in response.  All he needed to do was open the cage door, grab the cat, and then put the collar on her. If he could wrangle four rambunctious adolescent Wookies then he could handle one tamed feline.

 

Kylo twisted the lock open with the Force and made to grab the cat when the bedroom door slid open and Hux strode in.  At the same time the cat exploded out of the cage in a fury of screeches and needle sharp claws straight for Kylo.

 

“My face!” said Kylo.

 

“What is  _ that _ ?” said Hux.

 

“Eeeaaaaaarrrrriiierr,” said the cat.

 

Kylo grabbed the cat by the scruff of her neck and tossed her away.  The cat twisted mid-air and neatly landed on the bed before it slunk off to wind around Hux’s legs.  “Hux. Move.” His voice trembled with suppressed anger. 

 

Hux scoffed and folded his arms across his chest.  “No.” He glanced down with a faint curl of his lip.  “What  _ you’re  _ going to do is tell me why in the kark a wild animal is in my bedroom.”

 

“Our bedroom,” Kylo responded automatically out of habit.  “And that... _ wretched animal  _ is nothing more than an  _ error _ to be discarded.  Immediately.” His pride stung much more than the superficial claw marks down his face.  He wondered where the nearest airlock was.

 

Hux’s lips flattened out in a familiar way that signaled he was gearing up for one of his pointed tirades.  “It was a surprise,” Kylo admitted with a grumble to stave off the inevitable. Dejectedly, he tossed the dainty cat collar on the bed.  There was no more use for that now.

 

“A surprise,” the General said neutrally.  “I hate surprises.” He shifted his weight to his other foot when the cat tried to rub up against him again.  “And animals,” he added. “They shed everywhere, are unpredictable, cause a mess, and I already have to deal with it enough thanks to your-”

 

“Our,” Kylo cut in.

 

“-family,” Hux finished.  “There’s no reason to keep that fat thing here, so put that thing back where you got it from or so-  _ now  _ what?” he broke off with a disgusted look towards the corner of the room.  

 

The cat made another wet hacking sound, mouth open and back hunched over atop one of the recessed wall shelves. With another wet heaving sound, something flew out of the cat’s mouth.   It took a second for Kylo to realize that the cat had just thrown up a hairy mucus ball. It took another second to realize the cat had done it  _ in his upturned helmet. _

 

_ “ _ **_YOU_ ** _ ,”  _ he snarled with blind range.  He was going to  _ kill her _ .  He lurched towards the cat with hands outstretched into claws, too angry to even use the Force to get to her in order to wring her neck.

 

The cat primly hopped down from the shelf, either unheeding or uncaring of the impending doom, and Hux scooped her up into his arms.  “Oh second thought, I like this cat,” Hux said brightly and smacked Kylo’s hands away. He stroked one gloved hand down her spine eliciting a content purr from the bantha shit animal.  “Who knew you had it in you to do something right for once,” he murmured over his shoulder as he walked away. 

 

The last thing Kylo saw before the doors closed behind Hux was the cat draped over Hux’s shoulder with a smug green-eyed look.  Kylo glared hatefully at the cat collar on the bed. This was...not exactly according to plan. Yet Hux seemed happy. So that meant it turned out okay in the end.  Right? Right.

 

Wrong.  

 

Very wrong as Kylo soon found out.  Hux loved that cat. The cat was always well behaved around him and followed primly at his heels as he made his rounds on the Finalizer, or was on his shoulder during inspection on the bridge with the same scowling expression Hux adopted.  His precious children loved that cat. They would feed her treats and brush her fluffy fur and make little toys to entertain her.

 

That cat hated him.  And he hated the cat, so the feeling was mutual.  

 

At family breakfast the cat was always picking her way across the table to rub up against Hux and snag food from Vader 1, and the cat made a point to stick her butt in his face. (Hux claimed it was a sign of trust.)  The cat scratched through four of his cloaks and two of his jackets and only shed on his clothes, never Hux’s. (Hux scoffed and said it added some “dramatic flair” to his ensemble.) The cat almost always curled up in  _ his  _ spot on the bed at night so he had to sleep on the couch or in one of the children’s rooms.  (Hux insisted he didn’t want to wake up Millicent.)

Kylo was tired.  He was horny. And he was sick of wearing leather gloves  _ all the time  _ to protect against the random cat claw ambushes that happened whenever the cat wasn’t beside Hux.

 

“Master, what am I supposed to do?” he nearly whined from his usual spot on the chaise lounge.  His face was half buried in one of the blood red pillows that he’d been screaming into earlier.

 

The Supreme Leader didn’t lift his eyes from his row of stitches.  “About your Rhombus?” 

 

“About that cat!” Kylo exclaimed forcefully.  “Master, I caught that creature using my sacred altar  _ as her litter box _ .”  His bellow echoed around the cavernous throne room.  The metal floor rippled under his unchecked Force, but it stopped as soon as his master gave him a quelling look.

 

“My child, sometimes what is difficult is the most rewarding,” he soothed.  “Your will is forged in the fires of unending torment, and that is what makes you strong.  It is what makes you worthy.” His fingers made a complicated loop before he snipped the loose yarn thread.  “Rise up from these petty trials and fulfil your destiny, and take this, my apprentice.”

 

Kylo sat up straight and carefully reached out to pluck the grey knitted blob sent his way.  “Thank you, master.” He turned the gift around so he could look at it properly. “A hat?” he asked quizzically at the tiny knitted First Order hat.

 

Snoke looked upon him with a pleased air.  “Yes, it’s for Millicent.”

 

“What,” said Kylo.

 

“As the newest member of my furry grandbabies.” 

 

“WHAT,” said Kylo again.  “Master, Millicent isn’t my child, she’s a  _ pet _ .  A horrific, infuriating, disgraceful-”

 

“Your union with General Hux has been very fruitful for a new First Order regime,” Snoke talked over Kylo with a placid expression.  “I should hope you would not disappoint me in this regard.”

 

Kylo shut his mouth with an audible click.  “No, master,” he muttered and tried not to crush the stupid hat between his hands.  “I understand.” He understood he wasn’t going to the Supreme Leader for help, as much as it pained him to admit it.  Maybe there was something hidden in that ancient book or lore that could help him out. Kylo knew he was close to winning Hux over.  All he needed was one final plan.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand we're done. Thanks all for going on this crack-tastic ride with me.

The book of lore was useless; Kylo fumed and threw it across the room.  Nothing he did according to that book worked out well for him. If anything, it made his relationship with Hux even worse.  Hux wouldn’t even allow him to sleep in the same bedroom (that stupid cat now took up a semi-permanent spot on what was supposed to be his side of the bed).  

 

He cursed when he nearly fell off the narrow bed to roll over on his back.  He hated sleeping in his sons’ room. Everything was too small.

 

Crunchy warbled from over in the corner where he was working on some star charts.

 

“Yes, I know,” Kylo said patiently and sat up carefully so he didn’t hit his head against the underside of the top bunk where Vader Three slept.  “Your Alpha Dad is going through some stuff right now, but everything is fine.”

 

His son gave him an eyebrow raise that looked suspiciously similar to Hux’s.  (Kylo was both touched and irritated.) “Roooarrgh ur roo,” said Crunchy.

 

Kylo tried not to scowl.  “I think you’re mistaken,” he replied evenly in his best Alpha Dad voice.  There was no way Crunchy was having any bad feelings about the state of his and Hux’s relationship.  “All parents go through rough patches, but in the end they come out stronger than ever.” Or one of them gets murdered by their son, never again to patch up their rocky marital relationship and leaving the alive parent spiraling into stoic depression.  But that rarely happened.

 

He shot a suspicious look at Crunchy, who had gone back to his charts.  Neither he nor Vader Three had expressed any interest in the Force or with fighting in general (Kylo had the vague impression that Vader Three wanted to be an artist of some sort).  His daughters on the other hand….better to keep an eye on them in just case there were any latent patricide tendencies that ran in the family. One could never be too careful.

 

“Are you working on something for your Rhombus Daddy?”  Crunchy had taken to Hux like a pelikki to water. His son was usually found in the company of Hux on the bridge or working with one of the officers on various war strategies that, truthfully, Kylo couldn’t be bothered to learn the minute details of. 

 

Crunchy nodded and started to talk about his plans for a new battle formation that he was working on.  Kylo saw so much of Hux’s teachings in the way Crunchy proudly showed off his plans. 

 

“Did you have time to work on a new project with me?”  Snoke hadn’t mentioned sending him on any extended missions, so Kylo didn’t have anything specific he was working on that required a lot of his attention.  It was good to have some individual father and son bonding. “It’s for your Rhombus Daddy.”

 

Crunchy looked up from his datapad and made a sound of interested inquiry.  Holograms whirled around in front of him as he flipped through different datasets.  They all winked out of existence with a few quick touches and Kylo had his son’s full attention.

 

He slid off the bed and walked over to perch on the edge of Crunchy’s desk (that looked like a miniature replica of Hux’s desk).  “You know how much your Rhombus Daddy loves presentations and charts.” Crunchy nodded. “We’re going to make a presentation about why your Rhombus Daddy and Alpha Dad should be together, and I’ll present it at our mandatory wild card officer’s meeting at delta shift.  Do you think you’re up for that?”

 

Crunchy warbled out an affirmative and snapped a quick salute before opening a blank chart.  

 

Kylo felt that same, tender warm feeling he got when his children first hatched from their egg.  He loved his children so much. He patted Crunchy on the back, because it was either that or a full hug and his son had made it very clear what he felt about overt displays of affection.  (Kylo blamed Hux for that influence.) “Excellent, now let’s do your Rhombus Daddy proud.” 

 

Five hours later found Kylo standing at the head of the long table with all the officers staring at him with various degrees of polite expectation.  He had never called an officer’s meeting before, let alone decided to run one, so he didn’t need to use the Force to know there was a healthy level of confused skepticism in the room about what he was doing.  However, their opinions mattered nothing to him. He only had eyes for Hux.

 

Hux was sitting at the other end of the table with undisguised suspicion.  Privately, Kylo counted it as a win that Hux was at least giving him his undivided attention.

 

Kylo cleared his throat.  “First off, I want to say you should know it’s an honor to attend this mandatory wild card meeting that the Supreme Leader insisted that everyone be at.”  His voice modulator flattened out the nervous tremor in his voice so he sounded cool and confident. “This will be a quick presentation. There will be no questions.  If you interrupt me I will not hesitate to throw you out the airlock chamber.” He paused. Silence reigned in the small room. “Excellent, let’s begin.”

 

He pressed the button on his handheld clicker and holocharts popped up behind him.  “Why General Hux and Lord Kylo Ren of the Knights of Ren should be together as proper alpha and rhombus mates,” he intoned.  

 

Someone made an explosive sound of shock which quickly turned into a panicked coughing fit when Kylo used the Force to close around the officer’s throat.  

 

“Kylo,” Hux growled in warning.

 

Kylo reluctantly released the officer.  Hux looked like he was barely going to allow this meeting to go on, and that was only because the Supreme Leader wanted this meeting to happen.  “General Hux and myself first met a decade ago on the landing deck of the Finalizer.” Kylo clicked his button. A silent holovid appeared of Kylo striding down from his ship to pass by Hux who was there to greet him.  “It was fated, as Snoke decreed it to be, that eventually we would be Alpha and Rhombus for life.”

 

He clicked another button and this time a holoimage appeared of himself and Hux standing side by side on the bridge surrounded by workers.  There was a pink heart superimposed in the left hand corner with ‘I am surrounded by idiots’ inside of it. (Crunchy had added in that nice touch.)  “We have worked together, fought together, and commanded together since that time as a formidable team.” He clicked the button again and a montage of slashed and broken monitors cycled through.  “Sometimes we have our fights, but we always pull through.” There were a couple of bar graphs depicting their number of fights (which were distressingly high) and the amount of makeups (a slightly lower number).

 

“As you are all aware, General Hux and I were Force blessed with beautiful children during our Spawn Storm Shower,” Kylo continued and showed a clip of his children hatching from their egg.  He thought he heard Lieutenant Mitaka coo. “Vader One, Vader Two, Vader Three, and Crunchy are the light of our lives and an excellent addition to the First Order. They will be strong like their parents, and each and every one of you officers  _ will  _ make time to teach them valuable skills to help them succeed.”   

 

There was a quick murmur of agreement from the white-faced officers.  Lieutenant Mitaka looked suspiciously misty eyed and was furiously taking notes on his datapad.

 

“General Hux knows that I am an excellent alpha mate.  I am powerful. I am strong. And I keep in excellent shape.”  Another slide went up of himself shirtless and flexing, then of one of him also shirtless and going through some complicated practice moves with his lightsaber, and then one final one of him shirtless and flexing but looking over his shoulder so people could see the sculpted muscles of his back. (Kylo had added these himself when Crunchy wasn’t looking.)  

 

“These are some of the things our colleagues and somewhat close acquaintances had to say about us.”  He pressed a different button and a hastily put together holovid popped up. Kylo shuffled over to the side so everyone had a clear view of the video.

 

“General Hux?” came the slightly muffled voice of TX-499.  The holovid shook a bit and was slightly tilted. “I guess...um, I guess he would be a great match for Lord Ren.  Although I thought General Hux hated him.” 

 

There was the sudden sound of a lightsaber igniting before it cut to a different interview of Captain Phasma cleaning her gun.  “I think you idiots should fuck and get it over with.” 

 

“Phasma, you can’t say fuck.  This is a family video,” came Kylo’s hissed response off screen.

 

Phamsa looked up and scowled at the camera.  “Why are you recording me?” she demanded and slowly stood up with a threatening look.  “Kylo don’t make me-”

 

The holovid ended with loud static before a man with messy blond hair in wire framed glasses appeared.  “Hi, I’m Matt,” he said heavily and adjusted his glasses. “I’m a radar technician. And I think Kylo Ren is the greatest person of all time, and that anyone would be  _ lucky _ to have him as a mate.”  He looked straight into the camera. “ _ Especially  _ General Hux.”

 

The video cut again to show an extreme close-up of something pink and incredibly wrinkled.  “I AM MAKING THIS HOLOVID FOR MY APPRENTICE AND HIS SHY RHOMBUS,” came Snoke’s voice booming through the small meeting room speakers.

 

“The Supreme Leader wanted to make his own video,” Kylo quickly interjected above the sound of shuffling and mutters from Snoke.  His master was terrible with devices and couldn’t figure out how to turn the sound down, and Kylo had been too pressed for time to shoot the video himself.

 

“IT IS AN EXCELLENT PAIRING, AND A MATING FOR LIFE,” Snoke’s holovid continued along.  “I LOOK FORWARD TO MORE LITTERS OF SPAWN WHEN THE ALPHA FILLS UP THE RHOMBUS’ SPERM STORAGE ORGAN, AND LAYS EGGS AFTER THE APPROPRIATE AMOUNT OF SPACE ROCKS ARE COLLECTED.”  

 

Kylo clicked his button and the video ended with a starwipe that revealed an altered photo of himself and Hux looking much older.  Kylo was particularly proud of this holoimage that Crunchy had done. “As you can see, everyone is in agreement that we should be together and grow old together.”  He pointed out the image of himself with a scribbled on long grey beard, and Hux with silver hair and a crown on his head wearing a white cape. “Hux will become emperor of the galaxy and I will be his knight,” he said proudly.  “That Snoke decreed before he passed on of natural causes,” he added quickly as an afterthought. “Not that I had usurped his power and killed him. Unless that’s what you wanted, Hux.”

 

There was a noticeable spike of fear in the room which Kylo ignored in favor of staring at Hux.  

 

The General had his fingers steepled under his chin and an indescribable look on his face.  “Get out,” Hux demanded with his eyes never leaving Kylo’s.

 

The officers all nodded in agreement and quickly scrambled out of the room.  The hiss of the door closing was loud in the silence of the room.

 

Kylo wasn’t sure what he should do.  His initial plan hadn’t gotten farther than ‘impress Hux was graphs and charts in this father and son project’ which seemed like a success to him.  But he could never tell with Hux, especially when he had his contemplating expression on, and Kylo didn’t want to skim Hux’s mind to read his thoughts.

 

He pocketed his clicker before removing his helmet.  “Well?” he asked and carefully set down his helmet.

 

Hux pushed back from his chair.  “You made a presentation.”

 

“Crunchy helped,”’ Kylo added in.  His eyes tracked Hux as the man slowly walked towards him.

 

Hux hummed in faint approval.  “All this time you’ve been driving me mad for cycles, and it took forever until Phasma clued me in as to what you were sadly attempting to do.”  He stopped just a hand’s breadth away from Kylo. “Clumsy and ineffective, as I would have expected no less from you, but despite my grave concerns  there is a lot of potential in you. “ He looked into Kylo’s eyes with a faint curl of his thin lips. “Deeply. Buried. Potential. And I will reluctantly admit there’s some positive advantages to aligning myself with you.”  

 

Kylo’s heart was thudding against his ribcage as he watched Hux reach out one hand to fist into the front of his cloak.  “Hux?” He raised his hands as if to touch Hux then stopped and let them hover with uncertainty. Was this a touching moment?  Was it not? Was Hux going to smack him again?

 

“I can’t believe you made me a presentation about our potential compatibility,” the redhead muttered.  This close, Kylo could hear the gentle undertones of affection and it made his heart swell. Hux  _ did  _ like him.

 

Kylo didn’t get a chance to say anything before Hux was suddenly kissing him.  Hux was kissing  _ him _ .  It was a lot of teeth and and grabbing hands that were a little painful, which Kylo was definitely okay with.  He was really confused (this was not the direction the book of lore went in; it was the alpha who seduced and chased after his demure mate), but it didn’t matter because his plan  _ worked _ and he was the best alpha ever.  Take  _ that  _ TX-499.

 

Kylo was roughly turned around and shoved down.  The back of his thighs hit the table edge and he tumbled backwards with Hux quickly following.  Kylo raised up on his elbow with one hand curled around a narrow hip. “Hux I-”

 

“No talking anymore,” Hux snapped and quickly divested Kylo of his tunic with an impatient twist of fabric.  “You’ve been winding me up, and even I’m not naive enough to lie to myself indefinitely. I’m going to take Phasma’s advice.”

 

That was good enough for him.  Kylo pulled Hux down, trailing wet kisses along a sharp cheekbone to a delicate ear.  It was getting hard to think when Hux’s hand slipped into his trousers and palmed a painfully growing erection.  “But you-”

 

Hux slapped him and glared down at him from his perch kneeling astride Kylo’s hips.

 

The slapping was definitely a thing. 

 

“Shut. Up,” Hux demanded.  “Put your hands above your head and keep them there.”  

 

So was that voice.  Kylo did as he was told.  He definitely had a thing and his dick was leaking precum in his trousers that needed to be taken off  _ right now  _ or he would die.  He pressed his hips up into Hux, who regarded him with detached amusement.  A hot spike of lust shot through Kylo. It was definitely a thing. Whatever that thing Hux did could be called.

 

“You are  _ never  _ telling Snoke that his meddling matchmaking was somewhat successful,” Hux snapped.  His fingers made quick work of all the buttons, fasteners, and ties on Kylo’s clothes to pull them off.  “And don’t tell  _ anyone  _ I got turned on by a presentation.”

 

Kylo frantically nodded.  His increasingly bared skin was hot in the open air of the room, his cock achingly hard for his fiesty redheaded rhombus.  He would do anything,  _ anything  _ if it meant they could continue.  He had just enough presence of mind to use the Force and float a tiny bottle of oil he’d  hidden in one of the folds of his clothes that was now discarded on the floor.

 

Hux snagged the bottle out of the air.  “It does help that you’re easy on the eyes,” he murmured more to himself while raking his gaze over Kylo’s muscular body with faint approval.  His hand reached down and lazily tugged at Kylo’s throbbing erection while his other hand twisted open the bottle of oil.

 

Kylo gripped the edge of the table hard enough to nearly dent it.  It was either that or pull Hux down and roll them over so Kylo could be on top, Hux trapped in the cage of his arms while he devoured Hux.  Of course Hux would approve of him. Of course Hux wanted to be with him. He was an excellent alpha. They were going to fuck and it was going to be great and finally they would be a true alpha and rhombus couple with the perfect First Order family.  For once in his life he was deliriously happy.

 

He just wondered when the penis-fencing ritual would happen.


End file.
